i’ve gone to a few standup comedy acts recently
and the only thing i’ve learned from these crude segments
is that something is only funny
if you haven’t experienced the punchline
and if you have
i am not sure why you are laughing
isn’t it strange how people change
and let you down
growing out of themselves
and into other people
emotions are fleeting
personalities are volatile
or maybe these people progressively change their habits
around who they really were from the beginning
its strange how people you know
start doing heroin
and start doing meth
replacing your friendship with ambiguous men
and crowded beds
filled with strangers
pushed against white walls
killing themselves for the fun of it
when you met them
they were everything
it was a revelation how you could feel this close to someone
and experience such a friendship
but later
when looking back
you realize
that beginnings
fill you with
passion
and this person
was just a placeholder
for your happiness
I am trying to distinguish the socially constructed “fine line” of being pretentious or being confident in ones work.
Is there truly such thing as being “pretentious”? or do we as a society label people as such because we are intimidated by their self-assurance?
We are all so dependent in this life;
We cling onto others in order to confirm our self worth.
We can sit for hours and pour out our innermost contemplations.
We transcribe these through poetry, limericks, essays.
Yet, before reading them to the outer world, we disvalue ourselves,
We tuck away our egos from the visible eye and inquire,
“Can you proof read this for me?”
“Is this any good?”
“It’s not that great,
but how do YOU feel?”
We seek validation from those around us because we are conditioned to the ambition of being “selfless”
Self-fulfilling prophecies are taboo.
And what good does that do?
Why is it an admirable cause to throw our souls to the masses?
Must we fear our individual power so much that in order to be deemed as “noble” we need to glorify others in exchange for our own philosophies?
Why must I have doubt in my own psyche?
Do I judge other peoples fashion because I, myself,
Don’t understand how to dress myself?
Do I just other people’s religion,
Because I, myself, can’t feel the sanctuary of a “secure future?”
Being that death is my only certainty in this life, I am filled with jealousy and disdain when I encounter another human that fully grasps what they crave.
I mistake PASSION for conceit, CLARITY for pretense, and GOALS for a mistaken waste of time.
-March ‘13
The Protector
As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.
INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.
INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.
INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get “feelings” about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.
But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people’s feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.
Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people’s opinions. They believe that they’re right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there’s always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don’t often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don’t believe in compromising their ideals.
INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.
In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.
The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.
estranged
an unwilling separatist
meandering
like a child, asking myself “why won’t they play with me?”
the milky smoke forms a barrier
I’m hidden in the trench
forced to form my own echelon
i’m listening to wind chimes.
when i close my eyes, it feels as if you and i are sitting on the front porch of my cabin in the blue ridge mountains. you’re sitting next to me, sharing coffee. the air is suspended, held miraculously by the fragile tree limbs. the wind chimes are a delicate symphony.
this was when you were contented by simplicity. back when we enjoyed walking through the still forest and writing paralleled thoughts in our journals. it’s strange to think that there was a day when you could feel content next to me at all. that nothing inside of you ached to find something more satisfying.
that is all you are now. you’re programmed to find the next person, location, or drug to fulfill something to fill the chasm of your life. old pleasures have turned into nuisances. old friends are now taking up space.
i wish i could go back and foresee the change taking place in you. i wish i could go back and stop you from making all of your mistakes. i wish i could’ve stopped the heroin from turning you against me.
but i never could. the decadence of you was a ticking clock.
all i can do is wait.
